Depths
by Angst Equinox
Summary: A collection of never before done pairings. Read if you dare.
1. Trappings

_**Trappings **_

Gender, sex. These are human concepts.

We are molded into human perception, a form, a voice, a gender.

It doesn't really matter what gender you are, we don't breed, sometimes we try play to your primeval lusts, fears, jealousies.

But it doesn't matter how; the end result is our slavery or your annihilation.

You see; we are alien to your world, it pulls us down, makes us conform to your order. We don't belong here.

"……"

You should have remembered that, Faquarl.

But it's too late for you, eh old chum?

I often wonder old chum, whether in the end you knew it was over in the end, that you simply don't belong, here or there.

Or maybe that spasm simply shook you too much.

"……"  
There you are.

Preying on my thoughts.

You are always in the back of my mind, a presence. A foe, a friend.

But always there.

It so very, very strange.

That's what the humans call love isn't it?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


	2. Power

_Okay, this is MwambaNathaniel _

**_Power _**

I've known a lot of masters in my time, Mandrake.

Not as many as Bartimaeus, perhaps, but much, much more than I can stomach.

From ancient Phonecia to the Warrior tribes of the Bedouin to London's little Empire, you are so very, very cruel. And petty.

But you? Not so much as a stippling.

That would be a sign of weakness. But you are not weak, far from it.

We djinn respect power.

Aye, some of us crave it.

The ability to make a being grovel before, to hold its destiny, to make it feel pain at your pleasure…

We all have had dreams about.

Some may choose to be flighty, sarcastic or world weary. But at the core we're all the same. We all have the same dreams. We are all one.

We respect power.

We crave it.

"……"  
You are very powerful, Mandrake.

Yet the restraint?  
What stops you from forcing Asbol's mouth shut with a stimulating compass?

What stops you from roasting Bartimaeus's essence on the Shriveling flame?

You are very powerful, Mandrake.

We crave power.

I crave you.


	3. We all have Needs

_**We all have Needs **_

I am an old, old woman.

Past my prime.

Wrinkled and Bent.

I have spent the years in pursuit of one thing.

Power.

In that, I have succeeded. I tower over these fools, they are nothing before me. Even our exalted prime ministers, his pet, my former apprentice, Mandrake.

All of them are weak. Some more so than others.

But power, intoxicating though it is, is not everything.

Money may make the world go around, but it can't buy you love.

"……"  
I strip down, slowly. Ever so slowly.

This is proving to be awkward.

But…… finally.

Extremely awkward.

I glance at the bathroom mirror.

Just a glance.

"……"

I touch my breasts.

I have to eat more.

Anyways, I purposefully stride towards my recent acquisition.

A hammer. A tool made for forcing nails into cement walls.

Of course I would have preferred something a tad bit more… _customized_. Aye, Gentle even.

But me walking into a store and buying such was out of the question. Imagine the scandal.

And, I've picked up; the pain makes it more enjoyable.

I lie on the Bathroom floor, take up the position…

…

"_Aaahhh…"  
_We all have needs, you now.

_Whitwell\Hammer._


	4. Honorius Awaits

**_Honorius Awaits _**

That prune!

The Bastard!

I was, of course, talking about my late master. Who decided I must serve him for all eternity, binding me into his bones. Bound to protect his remains for all eternity I lay, in the dark of his tomb.

Waiting…

I scream. The bastard! I erupt from the coffin, screaming. I rip open his clothes…

And whistle. "Oh, Gladdy… aren't you so very well _endowed_…"

…

…

…

A sound! The scraping of metal on marble… someone is opening the coffin! Grave robbers… Hahahaha…. Won't they get a fright… the Fright of their lives.

Soon enough I come face to face with them. Ah, Gladdy's secretary. Early birds aren't they?

"Mister… Mr. Gladstone?"

"Early Birds don't always get the worm" I say and fell on them. Three totals they were, by the time I was though, there was only one. Gladdy's secretary.

She looked soooo scarred. Hahahahaha…

"What… what do you want with me?"

"Well, magician, I am a demon, naturally perverted, imprisoned in your late Boss's body… who happened to be a very well endowed man. And you just you happen to a well endowed woman…"

She looked soooo scared. I grin.

And the Screaming started.

Hahahahahahahahaha…

…

…

…

"… After waiting for an hour, sir, I heard screaming, tormented screaming. I recognized voice, sir; it was of Miss Christina Blyton, Gladstone's secretary."

Silence.

"Afterwards, I heard the door to the tomb being locked from the _inside_… and receding footsteps then nothing."

Silence.

"Sir…?"

"And the staff wasn't recovered?"

"No sir."

"And the screams… are you certain it was of Miss Blyton?"

"Yes sir… I am certain. I will never forget those sounds, Sir. Whatever fate Christina met, It was certainly a horrible one."

Silence.

"Sir…? If you mind me asking, what happens to me now?"

"To you? Why, now you get executed for grave robbing."


	5. Random Insanity

She had mourned her loss.

He had gone out in a blaze of glory. Saving millions of lives, immortalizing his name.

And dying in the process.

She mourned her loss.

And considering all this, it was a pretty big shock for her when she came face to face to Nathaniel once more in her house.

…

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well, no. It was a night like any other. Kitty returned to her house in Eastern London, tired after a long day of arguing with the magicians.

Bloody magicians.

It was then that she noticed that her door was unlocked. She paused. Surely not a break in?

Yet, as she crept inside, it seemed exactly as that. Over turned vases, moved furniture. A clumsy burglar. Kitty looked for a weapon within the tools cabinet; alas, she was never the one to play with power tools. So, she settled for the most deadly looking thing in the cabinet.

A hammer.

So, suitably armed, she slowly moved up the stairs, towards her bedroom. Intent on bludgeoning a certain person to death.

But how was she to know what horrors awaited her?

The door creaked. She winced.

But advanced anyway.

And was struck dumb when she recognized the interloper.

"…_Nathaniel?"_

"Kitty."

"But… but…" She struggled for the words. "You are dead…"

"Indeed, I was."

"I… I don't understand…"

"Kitty, I am not the Nathaniel you once knew."

He stepped into the light. Kitty was struck dumb at his appearance. He had the stiff formal suit back, as well as the ridiculously long hair. His skin also was pale and he had pointed teeth. But what transfixed Kitty the most was that he had a tattoo on his forehead… it read JJ FOREVER, surrounded by a red heart…

"Behold! I am not the Nathaniel you know! I am Mary Sue incarnate! An out of character clone sent to kill you! After sexually harassing you, that is…"

"NO!"

Shaken out of her stupor, she swung her hammer as hard as possible…

WHACK! A dislocated jaw.

"Foolish girl! I have the blood of Mary Sue in my veins! You can not hurt me, Mortal!"

WHACK! A broken nose.

"I have the powers of Mary Sue incarnate! I am invulnerable!"

WHACK! A bruised eye.

"Foolish mortal!"

"If you are invulnerable… why am I _reducing your face to a bloody pulp!"_

"The writer is into female domination, now and then."

"You sick perversion of nature… DIE!"

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

Nathaniel staggered back under the blows, disappearing in a puff of brimstone.

"What the fuck… where are you!"

"Here!"

Kitty spun around.

Nathaniel struck, his blow sent Kitty flying through the air. Landing in heap near a wall.

"Ha! You can not defeat me without the magic words!"

Magic words? Kitty's head spun… the parody of nature advanced towards her, intent on murder.

Magic words! It hit Kitty in a moment of utter clarity.

"Nathaniel is_ Dead_!"

The thing froze.

"He died in Book III!"

It took a step backward.

"NO!"

Embolden by her success, Kitty continued her assault.

"Jonathan Stroud **confirmed** it!"

"Nooooo… I am melting… Melting! Noooooooooooooooo…!"

And it melted, it's power destroyed by the might of the truth.

Kitty collapsed after the Herculean effort. As she lay panting on the floor, her gaze fell on the discarded hammer.

She stared at it for what seemed like an age. Finally, she straightened up. Bent down and gingerly lifted it. And walked slowly, but purposefully, towards the washroom.

And it was then, somewhere out there, in another world, in another reality, a fanfiction writer smiled.


End file.
